#also sorry tumblr isn’t letting me put a readmore for some reason

[cordyce]

wolf pack spoiler (? maybe) just talk of concepts in recent episode

the pack all sharing everett’s anxiety as he goes to take his test is such a cool concept actually. that’s so interesting

[waywardstation]

I love the train of thought au! I hate Tumblr though, especially mobile Tumblr. Had to scroll for 30~20 minutes to reach the bottom of the tag. (Mobile Tumblr reloaded at least a few times and I almost threw my phone. I think I cried twice in frustration.)

I am absolutely foaming at the mouth because I've always liked the way Ingo and Emmet get presented, the characterizations are just so... Mwah 🤭.

For some reason the only thing I could think about after spending an entire night reading that wall of posts was the concept of big brother Ingo.

Sorry if I'm ranting here, it really has nothing pertaining to the au at all but I hate this concept, especially the societal concept that the older brother takes care of the younger one. Twins especially since they are usually born minutes from each other and that really doesn't mean anything different in experience.

Yes, Emmet is younger but I've always pictured him as the headstrong one that stands up for Ingo more often than not. (Honestly that's the vibe they give off collectively). I like to think of them as not in a big brother, little brother dynamic but a "we been through so much shit together we support each other fully" dynamic. I do understand why people like using it though.

Wait, what was this post about again? I swear I'm not trying to negatively rant right after bringing up stuff that plagued my mind while reading. I guess all I want to say is thank you for hosting this wonderful community au on your blog.

Expect Tumblr crabs in your blog later on. This is a warning.

Hey there OP! Glad you like it, I do too!!! (Still working on that masterpost ^^;) and apologies with tumblr mobile, I know it’s not the best with optimization!

I’m putting a readmore below because I got a lot more detailed than I intended to, regarding Ingo and Emmet’s sibling dynamic.

I like your views because it really isn’t as black and white (ha) as all that. I am a twin myself, the younger between us (and also by a few minutes) and throughout our lives it certainly has gone back and forth with us, but there’s really no definite position of looking after the other, just like with any other sibling relationship.

Given how Ingo and Emmet are, I imagine their dynamic very similar to what you’re talking about, being each others’ full supporters. Multiple lines in Masters EX show this, like these few from Emmet:

"Ingo and I are twins. We're both Subway Bosses, and we're each other's closest rival! We always challenge each other to get better. That's the kind of relationship we have! It's always a lot of fun when we're together!"

However, I feel like Ingo might feel… I don’t want to say obligated, because it’s certainly not work, and he knows very well Emmet can fend for himself, but perhaps inclined (pressured? By himself??) to carry through with what’s normally expected of an older brother. He might feel like he should look out for Emmet when he can:

“My younger brother, Emmet, would always entertain passengers on the Battle Subway... Now he is enjoying being a host here on Pasio. However, he's still new to this style of hospitality. Would you mind keeping an eye on him?"

And this might be somewhat spurred by the fact that Emmet looks up to Ingo, which I am sure Emmet has made Ingo aware of - he just might not want to let Emmet down:

"Do you have any siblings? I have an older brother, Ingo. He's verrrry strong. He hardly ever loses in Pokémon battles. Even though I also hold the title of Subway Boss, I really look up to him."

I do feel Emmet is very ready to support Ingo as well, seeing as how in their story event in Masters EX, Emmet was trying very hard to help Ingo with a project of theirs:

"I want to make Ingo’s idea a reality! Please, let me do this!"

And regarding your thoughts that of the two, Emmet is more headstrong, I feel similarly, and think he would always very clearly stand up for Ingo when needed.

I do headcanon that growing up, Emmet was more outgoing than Ingo (and that this led him to meeting Elesa, the new exchange student at their school, and taking her over to Ingo to introduce her to him, since he was more reserved and shy - not terribly so, but more so than Emmet)

ALL IN ALL - both Ingo and Emmet fully support and help each other out whenever they need it. And while Ingo might feel pressured by himself to look out for Emmet as the older brother, Emmet naturally does it for Ingo just as much, if not a little more, simply due to his outgoing nature

To try and tie this back to Train of Thought AU, I’m sure Akari and Irida would see a lot of moments expressing this dynamic of theirs in the many memory traincars throughout the mind station.

AND MG Emmet himself is pretty much a monument to this. MG Emmet is doing everything he can to keep Ingo safe from the Remnant and to protect him, even at his own expense to some degree. MG Emmet might only be a mental projection of how Ingo sees his brother, but the fact that MG Emmet is doing that means Ingo knows Emmet would do things like that for him, and he would.

Thanks for your ask OP!!! Very glad you like the AU, and happy you gave me a chance to go into all of this - I did not expect to dissect things like I did haha.

(And tumblr crabs? oh boy!!! Those would be my first!!)

[mmikmmik2]

If you were to sort the Infinity Train cast(s) into the Major Arcana a la the Persona games, which Arcana would you give everyone?

anon I had SOOOOO much fun thinking about this, thank you so much for sending me this. I sorted all the major characters, plus a few other entries, based on a mix of Arcana symbolism, Persona series character archetypes, and general vibes. I came up with answers I feel pretty good about for all but four of the Arcana. (Was really tempted to say Strength is every human character who doesn't board the train because they can handle their problems on their own lol.) This is going to be a long-winded post, so I thought I’d post just the list as an image (which hopefully won’t be too blurry!) rather than wrestle with Tumblr formatting trying to make a short list, and put a big text wall under the readmore talking more about my picks.

If this list does end up illegible, the same info is under the readmore as text! Plus some characters for Magician, Strength, Justice, and Death that I didn’t want to add to the “official” list because they’re more based on headcanon. (Although my reasoning for some of the “official” picks is pretty weak lol.)

One-One as 0. The Fool

Oh my gosh, what am I?

IT is great at fleshing out character backstories and families, so One-One at the beginning of S1 is one of the few characters who really feels like a blank slate. He's got a lot of his baggage back by the end of the season, and I think One and One-One are more similar than they seem at first glance, but S1 does seem to have been very formative for One-One and how he thinks about what he's supposed to be doing and how he relates to other people. So it does kind of feel like his fool's journey.

Alrick Timmens as I. The Magician

The magician begins the journey... by beefing it on a dirt bike, dying, and sending his wife flying off the deep end. Rip.

Alrick was an engineer like Amelia, so I could see him suiting some of the themes of the Magician, like conscious thought and manifesting ideas. His apparent playfulness and insecurity are similar to the Magician characters in Persona.

Kez as II. The High Priestess

“We can’t make this decision for you, Kez.” “You know what to do.”

I thought really hard about making Kez the Magician because just like every Magician since Persona 3, she's dumb, horny, and insecure dlkjasfdkl

(and also her showing up at the start of the story arc and being helpful but also super needy is very Magician)

But the idea of "intuition" really does suit Kez. Sometimes her intuition is as bad as her conscious reasoning, but I think that's a lot because she's so confused about what happened with Jeremy, and Morgan making Kez feel like she did a bad thing by helping him.

Tuba as III. The Empress

She made me feel like I was warm all the time.

Tuba's a mom. Sorry, this one's not that deep, haha.

Simon Laurent as IV. The Emperor

Highest number! I'm the leader now.

Simon has a lot of issues, but the one that felt the most prominent to me was his unhealthy relationship with power, authority, dominance, and rules. Another quote I considered using here was what he said in Grace's memory of meeting Amelia: "I never thought I'd get to see the Conductor with my own eyes. He's perfect! Everything finally makes sense again." In his emotional crisis, he thought everything could be fixed just by the existence of a huge, scary, powerful, male authority figure, even if they weren't doing anything helpful or informative.

Atticus as V. The Hierophant

I like to think that our stones are sturdy and handsome, like the Corgis that crafted them.

Atticus is a figure of traditional authority who deeply loves the history, society, and culture of his people. He often provides spiritual wisdom and encourages Tulip to get out of her own head and engage with the world around her. Also in Persona, Hiero is the Dad Arcana so it's very funny to me (a) to make the little dog be Hiero and (b) that the little dog really does have the strongest Wholesome Dad Energy of the whole cast.

Jesse Cosay as VI. The Lovers

Don't tell me what to do. I'm not going to be a part of anything like this, on or off the train.

This was my first and easiest pick lol, Jesse is sooooo Lovers. Like, the focus on choice and personal values and relationships? Yep, that's Jesse. It works on an "actual meaning of the Arcana" level and a "vibes with the Persona characters" level lol... popular, upbeat, and having such an identity crisis.

Lake as VII. The Chariot

I'm my own person, who is getting off this train!

I don't know if Chariot captures all the ways Lake grew over the course of S2, but I feel like they had the most externally focused conflict of all the IT characters, which suits Chariot. They've been fighting to stake out their personhood from start to finish, and they took action and used their willpower to achieve that goal. Also they have at least a little jock energy which is a prereq for Chariot tbh.

Frank as VIII. Strength

I dunno, I kinda imagine him as a simple man and easily underestimated, but with a lot of heart. The Cat may say they're keeping things casual but I don't think she'd take him with her on her private vacation unless he had some kind of inner toughness that would let him stand toe-to-toe with her.

Morgan as IX. The Hermit

I need to be alone right now. Kez... maybe... we can talk later.

I like that Morgan embodies toxic self-isolation and stonewalling and rejection, but that she seems to be moving towards the positive aspects of Hermit and taking some time to calm down and process and think. I like it when characters can embody the best and worst of their Arcana.

Tulip Olsen as X. The Wheel of Fortune

We have to adapt to the changes in our lives. It's the only way things can get better.

Tulip has a lot of themes and conflicts, but this one is a clear standout as the most important. I also like it for Tulip because, while she has to handle a lot of difficult and even traumatic situations, some of the change that challenges her isn't as unambiguously bad as e.g. the death of a loved one. It really is just change itself she's struggling with, and that's Fortune babey. Also, from the perspective of the train itself and lots of other characters, by reversing Amelia and One-One's positions again and changing how One-One administrates the train, Tulip is the one giving the wheel a spin. That's fun.

Lucy as XI. Justice

One of my friends once described the Justice characters in Persona as "the ones the player character is ultimately accountable towards", and I like to think of Lucy as kind of being that for Grace (...since Hazel has excused herself). Lucy is the Apex kid we see Grace interact with the most, the first Apex kid Grace admitted to herself that she had harmed (see Grace very briefly showing distress and then regret when Jesse points the harpoons at his face and she stops him), and the first person to confront Grace when she came home in The New Apex.

Min-Gi Park as XII. The Hanged Man

I don't know if we'll sell a single album, but we'll figure that out as we go.

Min-Gi sacrifices his "realistic", "sensible" goals for a more personally (spiritually, even?) enriching life that's beyond his control and outside of the expected norm. Like the Hanged Man, who dangles foolishly upside-down, but as a deliberate choice and in a state of serenity and enlightenment. I also think this arcana suits a reading of Min-Gi's character development as starting off going slower as a way to stall and live in denial, but then going slower with deliberation. Compare his arrogant insistence on refusing to act in The Astro Queue Car to his patience and care in The Castle Car and The Train to Nowhere.

Jeremy as XIII. Death

This isn't about the death of his family - I'm thinking of his reluctance to admit his number was going down. He cared about Morgan and Kez, and it's possible both that he may have really wanted to stay with them despite his exit and that that might even have been a healthy choice - they're real ass people with feelings and everything, not holodeck characters. But I also think Jeremy was using his life with them to avoid moving on out of that fog (because it was hard and it hurt and he didn't want to think about what that would mean for him and Morgan) and Morgan was enabling him.

Ryan Akagi as XIV. Temperance

Maybe the experience is the point. I wasn't just rushing you. I was rushing myself.

I think this one speaks for itself. Also, the other quote I considered putting here, from The Art Gallery Car: "You told me I can't appreciate the song without taking in the rest of the album. I need the whole package."

The Cat as XV. The Devil

I always do the right thing.

Honestly, this is one I really wasn't sure about. The Cat isn't a great pick for a lot of the meanings of Devil. She is definitely consumed by material comforts, and the short-term rewards of ignoring her issues at a long-term cost, though. This is more of a "vibes with Persona characters with this arcana" pick... Devil characters tend to start off being somewhat exploitative or even antagonistic towards the player character, and gradually showing a more conflicted and genuine side.

Amelia Hughes as XVI. The Tower

There's a hole in the universe where Alrick used to be.

Amelia's life is defined by catastrophe and upheaval - both those she's suffered and those she's inflicted on others.

Hazel as XVII. The Star

I'm going to keep loving you like you're still here.

When I think of "The Star" as a small but inextinguishable light in the darkness, Hazel seems like the obvious choice. Although we left her deeply wounded, I think she still has a flicker of her hope, faith, and purpose.

Grace Monroe as XVIII. The Moon

But it's unfair for me to tell you how to understand yourself. I mean, I don't even fully understand me.

Grace is probably the most complex and dynamic character on the show and hence one of the most difficult to place. I considered Empress, Strength, Devil, and Judgement for her... I think ultimately, lies and illusions are the most unifying theme of her character arc. Also, from a Persona angle, her pursuit of status out of a lack of true self-worth reminds me of Ai and Mishima.

Alan Dracula as XIX. The Sun

Brought together by the majesty of a superpowered deer!

I'm sorry dkjasfklads this is largely because I thought it was funny to have this completely inexpressive dead-eyed deer as Sun akfk but also... like... it kind of works okay!!! Think about the genuine joy and comfort and positivity he brings to Lake and Jesse (and me)!

The New Apex as XX. Judgement

"Then what are we gonna be?" "Guess we'll have to figure it out?"

This is kind of a Persona mythology gag again because of Judgement being a group social link near the end of the narratives of P3 and P4, when the protagonists have pierced through the lies and actually figured out who the villain of their game is and are ready to really start making progress.

0 as XI. The World

Ah, train does it again!

It's an ending and the completion of a journey, but also the beginning of a new one. And the world is literally what the passengers receive at the end of their train journey. Welcome home.

[queerofthedagger]

I would love to hear your essay on why Merlin didnt own telling Morgana about his magic, because it honestly makes me mad when people say he should have since he too had magic

Ooh hey, thanks so much for the ask! And about one of my favourite pet peeves too 😂❤️ I have a lot to say on that because yeah, it makes me mad too. This got really long, so I apologize for that in advance... (I tried to put some of it under a readmore but tumblr is being a pain again.)

Obligatory disclaimer that obviously, everyone’s entitled to their opinion and I’m not aiming to change anyone’s mind.

First of all, I think it gets ignored sometimes that Merlin didn’t actually leaver her alone or didn’t try to help. He very much did so in “The Nightmare Begins,” by finding out how to get her to the Druids. This is directly after she tells him about her belief that she has magic and that she’s scared, and he does so against the explicit orders/advice from both Gaius and Kilgharrah.

When he goes to find her because Uther is executing people and she refuses to go back, he doesn’t pressure her. People are getting killed about it, and yet when she says, “I'm sorry. I'm never going back. These are my people. They're like me. I don't feel so alone here. Do you understand?” his only answer is “Better than anyone.”

But yeah, it does tell him that when it comes down to a choice between self-preservation and saving others, Morgana will choose the former. And that’s fine, to some degree! People are allowed self-preservation and putting themselves first, and Merlin and Arthur often are self-sacrificing to a truly unhealthy degree. That being said, I personally find it questionable if accepting the death of innocent, also at least under-privileged if not oppressed people for your own sake is the morally “right” choice but as I don’t want to start a philosophical rant here, let’s leave it at that.

There’s—imo—more than one reason why Merlin didn’t owe her anything; first of all, I personally don’t think you ever owe anything of this kind to anyone, ever. Just because someone tells me a huge secret, doesn’t mean I have to do the same, especially if it’s a life-threatening one; all you “owe” is kindness, understanding, and keeping the secret that was entrusted to you. All of which Merlin did.

Then there’s the whole axis of power to their relationship; Morgana might be nice and treat Gwen and Merlin with respect, but that doesn’t erase the huge difference of station between them. Since the first week Merlin arrived in Camelot, he saw that the word of a servant, his word, meant absolutely nothing against a knight, noble, or actual royal.

Morgana didn’t hand him any power over herself when she revealed her secret. Merlin, on the other hand, would’ve handed her complete power over his life or death. I’m not saying Merlin would’ve ever revealed her secret under any circumstances—I actually think if he had told Arthur in season 3, Arthur would’ve believed him; he’s proven he would, more than once. But it wasn’t only about being believed, it was also, still, about not giving her away. (Though to be fair here—what it was also about was that she threatened to reveal that he poisoned her. Which, obviously, fair to some degree but if she did that, I doubt she would’ve revealed why he did, which ultimately only plays back into my point that Morgana’s loyalty is conditional. Which, again, is a valid stance to have, but not that of a person I’d trust with such a secret.)

Anyway. Just because Merlin never would’ve revealed her secret, doesn’t mean that the difference in their potential power over each other wasn’t there, and it’s important. Especially if you look back to the start of season 2 where—even before she turned her back on Camelot—Morgana made it clear that for her, self-preservation prevails when it comes right down to it.

Well, and thirdly, there’s also the matter of destiny and responsibility if Merlin’s own safety and well-being isn’t already enough (which it is, just in case there was any doubt about my opinion on that matter.) Of course, in season 2, Merlin’s not yet as fixated on Arthur as he is later, not even on destiny, as his intention to leave Camelot shows (if he had stayed away is another question altogether but I digress.) Still, Kilgharrah made it pretty clear that this was about more than Merlin, and while Merlin definitely didn’t always listen to him, the threat was immense.

And it wasn’t only about Arthur either, I’d even say that in the great scheme of things, Arthur played relatively little into this decision; it was about his people as a whole, and it was about Gaius because if Merlin had been revealed, Gaius had already proven that he’d try taking the fall if not get accused of harbouring a sorcerer. I don’t think this alone would’ve been enough, but taken together with the other points, I think it did have some weight in Merlin’s decision and I also think that it was a valid choice to make even beyond the “you don’t have to reveal anything to anyone even if it’s only because you don’t want to.”

Last but not least, I also think it’s important to keep in mind how long they’ve known each other which, at that point, were maybe two years. Merlin’s been most likely told from the day he could understand it to never reveal himself to anyone. Until Freya, Merlin never tells anyone on his own volition (except maybe Will, we don’t know, but they’ve known each other their whole lives), and it’s impossible to compare the circumstances. Just because Morgana told him in what she herself calls a moment of weakness does not mean Merlin has any obligation to do the same.

I want to reiterate that he did try to help her, actively with the Druids, and also passively by reassuring her that there’s nothing wrong with her and that he will keep her secret. This is already more than he would have to do—the whole thing with the Druids put Merlin at risk too, arguably much more than her. Of course, that has never stopped him which is what we love about him, but I think that it’s more than enough. Merlin is not responsible for fixing every little thing in Camelot, he’s not responsible for other people’s actions and decisions, and he did more than could be expected of him.

Which is also why I think that if he had told her about his magic, it wouldn’t have changed anything in the long run, but as this is already way too long, let’s leave that can of worms for another time...

[marcilled]

This is a personal post.

I'm beginning to realize that, for a really long time now, I've been substituting true self esteem for something else entirely

Instead of actually feeling proud of myself, like an accomplished person, I've been forcing myself into the forefront of everyone's attention, while simultaneously remaining as "just a part of a larger whole", so that i didnt have to feel like it was 100% my fault whenever I fucked up (although, I usually blamed myself anyways- not because of a clear consciousness or anything, but out of a bitter self hatred)

I put myself front and center at a carousel of things that only I could apparently be good at- not because I think I'm the best, but because I think I'm a freak for being as meticulously obsessed with things as I am. This leaves little room for my friends to actually bounce off of my experience, because I see anyone else I know encroaching on that skill that I have at the only thing I feel like I'm any good at, and it feels like a threat. I don't acknowledge it that way because I know it'd be shitty, but there's this underlying feeling that I'm being one-upped anyways...

I ended up hurting some people really dear to me because of this twisted way of thinking. I’m pretty sure I lost the privilege of calling them friends as a result. It took me a few days of self-isolation, crying, and mindlessly zonking out while playing civ until the sun came up, but I think I have a fuller picture of what my issue is. It’s not as simple as just, “I need to stop hating myself”. I recognized that- but the emotions were too raw at the time for me to really understand the depth and complexity to the issue.

At its face... I need to accept that I’m not annoying or a freak for having a deep interest in the things that I do- maybe it makes me “weird”, but I need to learn how to own that, how to feel like being weird in that way is a good thing, even if not everyone else thinks the same.

At the same time, I need to accept that my knowledge about my special interests isn’t the only thing that does, or could ever, give me “worth”. I have this conception in my head, that I’m only ever going to be good at this, or that I only have value for the things I’m proficient at, which are all very limited in scope.

People always say that having weird special interests is fine & valid... They go on about all the ways we shouldn’t be bullied for having special interests, for conceptualizing the world through the lens of them at times. But all of that is stuff I already know and accept. Something I don’t think gets talked about as much is how autistic people internalize that bullying. How, sometimes, for people like me, we can turn that same hatred and malice in towards ourselves- even if it’s not something we actually truly believe, or would ever apply to other people.

I’ve always had this sort of cocoon of self hatred surrounding me, for as long as I can remember. It’s terrible, full of thorns, and always uncomfortable, never letting me truly be myself, let alone think for or even act for myself. But it was built as a “protection” from the outside- sort of. If I hate myself enough, for all the reasons that I’m already hated by others, then nothing can hurt me anymore, because I’m already telling myself all of the most hurtful things I possibly could. It’s fucked up, and it doesn’t really help to protect myself from anything- it just makes everything harder.

My friends aren’t “competition”, they aren’t going to take away what makes me special by showing the same level as interest in something as me. If anything, I should be thankful that someone actually cares as much as I do. That’s all I ever wanted, right? To have friends that are as passionate as I am? So why did I have to throw it all away by seeing that as a threat?

Thinking about this, it’s easy to go down the path of self-hatred again. But, that’s how I got into this mess... I also wanna say... For anyone reading in on this, and concerning yourself with the what-ifs of the situation... This is never stuff I consciously thought of, until I was made aware of this behavior in myself. It was really a subconscious type of thing. But the harm is all the same. Make whatever you want out of that, I’m not gonna ask to be babied about it, I fucked up. I fucked up, and I’m sorry, if you’re actually reading this.

But, I didn’t make this post as an apology to the people I hurt. I made it as a sort of... self-reflection. Maybe it can still be an apology? I don’t know. I don’t think they want an apology. So, this isn’t really about that, or asking for forgiveness. This is just about... me pondering on all of my issues, and how I might move on from this. I hope those former friends are able to move on as well... I was kind of a huge asshole. But it’s never easy to let go of close friends that way, even if it’s necessary for your own wellbeing. So, I hope they’re doing ok. and... I hope they know I don’t hate them. and that I’ll be ok, too. I’m just sad. Sad and full of regrets.

I think I’ve rambled on enough for now. This was kind of hard to type, and I might delete it later, since it’s something really personal to be sharing to, potentially, 3000+ eyeballs... (as if that many of my tumblr followers actually would click on a readmore I post tho...), thanks for reading though. and to those who have been worrying about me- I’ll be ok, thanks for your concern.

[geejaysmith]

On mobile, there are no readmores.

Ok, so maybe the key thing that pisses me off is that either way you dice it, the whole "evil Dirk" bullshit is either the distortion of a writer with a noted history of fanfics distorting characters into their most cynical form if not outright mischaracterizing them for an abuser/victim dynamic, or its commentary about an author who lets their own soapboxing overtake the willing suspension of disbelief in the characters' voices and the fabric of the world, rather than anything the character showed signs of being in the actual text. And if you're going to go "but timeskip! People change!" that's a hack move that Homestuck became far too dependent on in its later run, especially after the retcon, that cons the reader into doing the writer's job in order to try and resolve the cognitive dissonance of, say, a character who *actively did not want* to be what he's just suddenly become, and who's showing a level and flavor of asshole he never was.

Also, having a gay character, who a ton of young readers have identified with for years, suddenly turn bigoted alt-right-in-all-but-name just to make SURE you know he's the bad guy? Idk, that just strikes me as an asshole move. One of several asshole moves, like never addressing how the actions of one or several other characters contributed to his feeling guilty, especially about his sexuality when he's the one gay character whose orientation is directly discussed in the story proper, or how the character who can be reasonably assumed to have the a large hand in contributing to that guilt is never held to account, but instead victimized by Dirk with out-of-the-wild-blue-nowhere transphobic horseshit in the epilogue. In fact, would it be going out on a limb here to say that entire plot point seem to exist *only* for the sake of said out-of-character transphobic horseshit?

Sorry, I was about to say "but this is a whole different rant" but like, no, actually, this pisses me off. It *really* pisses me off how *badly* Dirk gets treated as the one prominent homosexual male character, and it has always pissed me off.

But no, really, the biggest thing pissing me off in the "oh this isn't rational to feel this way, actually, fuck it, I don't care if this is rational, these feelings aren't going away and this shit is PERSONAL now" way, is how most of what makes its way to my dash about Dirk since the epilogues dropped just comes off as uncritical about this. That even in trying to "fix" the damage done, it still tacitly admits there may be some validity to it, instead of staring it down and asking "and what the hell is your justification for that, outside of 'Hussie said so'?"

And let me take a moment to indulge in my neurotic impulse to hedge my own words and say, fine, ok, you want to explore evil!Dirk? Cool, your prerogative, we clearly find this character close to our hearts for very different reasons, whatever. But I don't and never want to see it and now it's everywhere, and people aren't taking to say, fascist Jane with the same gusto as they do to drag my favorite character, whose problems and insecurities are so close to my own he's the first work of fiction I've cried for for since childhood, through the mud.

Oh, and is it worse because this is basically just the same "Dirk is a monster" bullshit I've been fighting since the Great DirkJake Tag Discourse of 2014? Yes. Yes it is. I really do believe that Evil!Dirk - not "he has flaws as a person that result in toxic behavior", not "his actions have resulted in tangible harm and that needs to be addressed", but outright malicious intent or at least such utter disregard for the people he loves that intent is an automatic moot point - in other words, the ugly caricature being paraded around in the epilogues under the fig leaf of authorial approval, alongside the ugly caricatures of Jade and Jane, who only further expose the whole farce - in all its incarnations is and always has been an outright mischaracterization that only holds water if you push for deliberating interpreting the text in the most negative way. And I've spent *years* arguing with myself in my own head because fandom bullshit has convinced me that the only way I can hold an opinion and have a right to speak it is if I can have an airtight argument for my stance, like it's some fucking debate club, or something. And I am done. Dirk is not a monster, never was, and I am *done* screaming at myself in my own head instead of speaking out loud because "oh no, what if I'm wrong on the internet? What if randos online think I'm some dumb yaoi fangirl who's doing an abuse apologism?" Who cares? I know what I fucking read. I know the character that I saw.

You know what happens when you grow up isolated and don't have that first great "I wasn't fully cognizant of the fact that other people have thoughts and feelings like I do and acted like an ass and am now facing consequences - oh god I fucked up, I need to make this better somehow" young, when the stakes are low and you forget about it by puberty? You know how that childhood loneliness gives you a paralyzing fear of rejection that leaves you with a guarded persona, makes you agonize there's something wrong with you? How it makes you feel like you're irreparably broken, irreconcilably different?

I do.

So I'm confident that I know what I'm talking about when I say "it looks a lot like Dirk Strider." Coincidentally, it can also look a lot like Jake English. I know because I've been both. And you'll notice, pile of neuroses though I am, I am neither a victim nor am I a monster.

So. Yeah. Evil!Dirk upsets me greatly and always has and I don't want to see it. Except now it's everywhere and I once again have to tread lightly if I want to find any content of him that isn't made directly by me. A thing I loved has become something that makes me feel feelings that suck. *Again!* And I don't have the time or energy to throw into counteracting it at the moment, unlike with TLCstuck and the retcon a few years back. And yeah, this is personal and no one is responsible for my feelings and emotional wellbeing but me, yes, yes. But also this is my blog and I get to pick what goes on it and this is me telling myself "to hell with what people think when they see it, it's Tumblr, this is the house that personal emotional-fueled discourse built", and also if I didn't get this out I'd kind of end up screaming about it in my head again until all I can articulate is a high-pitched screech? I just need to fucking vent this out so I can get on with my goddamn day and it's out of my head? So maybe it'll quit coming back? It's way too fucking early for this? And oops, this post got way too long and a lot more emotional than I was expecting. Hey, crying helps relieve stress, y'know (Note: I'm not actually crying, it's the principle of the thing).

tl;dr, I have always thought Evil!Dirk was bullshit but it still hurts to see, and while I know I have no reason to bear a grudge against the people writing it as people, on principle, there's a part of me that wants to fucking punch those responsible for putting it back in the fandom consciousness in such a big way? Especially when I'm not seeing anyone pick over the horseshit done to other characters in quite the same way.

That is all. Carry on, I've vented my spleen. I'm gonna toss this post to the wind and go back to Wolf 359 shitposting.

[american-auror-story]

Ok so I’m going to rant about personal stuff for a minute cuz I’m so fucking frustrated I don’t know what to do with myself. Putting it under a readmore because this is long and I’m just basically using tumblr as a journal right now.

I took this new job back in November, and started working it part-time until I could quit my other job last month. (It was a horrible job and I don’t miss it lol.) So March has been the first full month I’ve been working this new job. It’s remote, so I work from home, which is both amazing and not so great. I love not having a commute, but I also kind of go a little out of my mind when I have nowhere to go, and I live in a town where there’s nothing to do. Literally- I have to drive 2 hours away to find a decent hair salon or Joann Fabrics store. Which is super annoying. So I’m loving the aspect of feeling like I’m on summer break, but I’m also going a tiny bit stir crazy because I haven’t had this much free time since like, high school.

The job itself is alright. It’s got a mission I fully believe in, and I feel like the goals I have set for me are reasonable- with the caveat that I have to learn how to do it before I can be expected to meet these goals. And I think that’s where my frustration is, because I think my boss feels like her industry is super simple- and to her it is, because she’s been doing it for so long- but I’m brand new to this and I sell by very carefully infodumping, and I just don’t know enough to tell what people’s objections really are and how to overcome them. This is the sort of thing that I’m absolutely going to learn with time, I’m not worried about my future ability at all, I just worry that my boss’s current expectation doesn’t line up with what I currently know. And the fact that I’m a month in, full-time, I had a great first week and a slow couple weeks after that, and she’s kind of freaking out, so now I’m thinking, okay, am I going to be stressing all the time at this job if sales aren’t consistent? Because I’ve worked in sales for like 10 years and sales are not consistent, to the tune of like 1 a day. Some days you have five sales and some days you have none. So if her expectation is that short-sighted, if there’s no way to pull back and look at it on a more month to month basis... that’s kind of terrifying to me.

Then there’s the element of the fact that this new company is very much a small startup, so there’s a lot of freedom to change things up depending on what is or isn’t working at the moment. This is good, but this is also very bad because we’ll decide to stop providing one aspect of the service for X reason, but not yet, so I’m never entirely sure if that’s something I can offer or not. 

Idk, it’s just, I know communication would solve like 90% of my problems, but my boss is super busy and I don’t know her all that well, and since my job is remote and we’re of different generations I want to make sure that my communication via text is going though the way I mean it to, and also we don’t have that proximity that you would typically have starting a new job that makes you like the people you have to see on a daily basis. 

Plus, I’m moving. When I took this job, since it’s remote, I decided to move to a town I’ve always wanted to live in that’s closer to family. So now I’ve got the added stress of “what happens if she gets wishy washy and I lose this job and I’m in the middle of a move” and I’m in this weird place where I can’t honestly think of any jobs I have any real desire to do if I had to find another job. I’ve worked hourly customer service and that was difficult financially. I’ve worked management jobs and that was difficult emotionally and mentally. So, like, what would I do if I had to look for something else?

And it’s just so frustrating because I’m so far away from my family, and my best friend is 3 time zones away so we never get to talk anymore. And I still have one more month left in my current town, so going out and trying to make friends now is pointless, but I still have a whole month before I’m in my new town and trying to make friends.

UGH i just idk. I don’t know if these are valid concerns or if this is just me wigging out because I haven’t hardly left the house in a month and I’m so fucking isolated from everyone and I’m just annoyed.

Sorry for the long post, and thank you for letting me and my stupidity cross your dash.

[omnipointmuses]

Mobile Rules List

1: Nsfw/smut will be put under readmore upon partner request or if i get enough requests for my other followers, and although this blog is for kink RPs i will play a more canonical versions of the character as well, or at least my take on them.

2: Be respectful, meaning don’t send hate or spam me if I seem to ignore your asks, that being said if it has been more than a week since i’ve responded to you, feel free to give me a nudge.

3:Please ask if I will allow a certain kink or not if you don’t see it on the kink page

4: Magic Anons are welcome and the magic will last until the mun calls it off or the set time has passed, also one magic anon at a time, and no matter how magical, a magic anon’s spell will not change or affect any RPs in progress, also make the limits time based please.

5: no godmodding, and if you feel if I am godmodding, feel free to speak up about it and i will correct myself.Note: what I deem as godmodding is you trying to control my muse(for example “I swing my axe at Dia and screams before her head is lopped off”)

6: If you’re not 18 I am not doing anything with you, this is an admittedly nsfw-heavy blog that is not suitable for minors, if I find out that you are a minor and told me false information regarding your age, I will block you,

7: The age rule applies to muns AND muses. period

8. If RPing with you mostly consists of one liners while I’m writing up paragraphs, i’ll probably drop the RP, sorry

9. If you read these rules, feel free to drop a “Greetings” in my ask box to let me know, though it is not needed as I know that can cause anxiety in some people.

10: Most interactions will be over the internet unless stated otherwise

11. This isn’t a rule per se, but i’d be more comfortable with rping with someone who had an “about: page that at the very least, listed their age and some sort of alias they'ed like to go by, for anxiety reasons, this also Applies to OCs so I can have at least a gist of a mental image of them.

12: I will hardly, if ever, rp over tumblr IM, tumblr IM will be used for plotting and general chatting, please do not try to change my mind on this as that does try my patience and I’ll just repeatedly refuse you, I do use discord and mutuals are free to ask for them.

13: if we have a thread going on and it’s been a while since i’ve replied, like a week or five days, feel free to give me a nudge over IMs/skype/discord, just, for the love of god, do not pressure me or ask for a reply every other day after that, it burns me out and I’ll probably drop the rp out of spite/frustration and block you if it’s extreme.

14: concerning the use of fanart in icons, if you are the artist that made them and don’t want me using them, or know that the artist does not want their art to be used as such, let me know and provide proof so i can go back and edit out the icons and delete them.

15: If you see a muse that represents a character that is canonically underage, please remember that I age up all muses that I use and to check their age in their bios for confirmation, if their bios are not complete just assume that they are at least 18 years of age or above or feel free to send me an ask and i’ll tell you their age.

16: I can be a bit selective, so if I’m not interested and say “no” when you ask to rp it means “no”, it doesn’t mean try to convince me or beg for an rp, doing so will get you blocked.